Winter's Chill

The past few days here in Colorado have been very cold, and Spencer and I have been huddled up inside, only going out for a walk when the cabin fever gets to be too much. Colorado in the winter can be really beautiful, but it really takes on a new form when it's below 10 degrees. The clouds seem to hang a bit lower, gripping to the mountainsides. The air is clear and the sky's hue is deeper, and the dusting of snow on the mountains keeps it's color. A friend told me recently that, to her, the cold is purifying.

I have been dealing with a bout of jealousy lately. It's become so maddening that I've had to make efforts to delete blogs from my reader that did nothing but make me feel inadequate. Why read content that makes me feel so bad about myself? My favorite blogs are the ones where the writer's are intentional with their content. They post when they have something really important and inspired to say, not just to keep the feed fed with their name. They share real life with me. Bits and pieces of the truth of their existence, stories that make me feel not so alone in the world, thoughts that bring us all closer together in community.

I have a few relationships in my life that have been, in a sense, deleted from my daily feed of interaction, as well. They make me feel jealous, they make me feel inadequate, they make me feel alone. Whether it is intentional or not, we just are not jiving. As someone who craves community and friendship intensely, I can't emotionally afford to subject myself to the continuous thoughts of why they won't call me back, why they aren't reliable, why they pretend like we're best friends when we're not. It's enough to drive a person insane.

As this season heaves on, life has become uncomfortable but cleansing. I have realized that I can choose to use this time to slow down, to rest, to build a strong sense of self. To purify. I no longer want to beat myself up about not looking a certain way or not having the right job. After years of getting really used to this attitude (I'm sure I'm not alone), it's a hard habit to break. But there is something about this time of the year that is helping me along. Something about nature resting, taking a break, slowing down. In a way, it's helped me separate from the hustle and bustle of the way I used to live my life. I don't know if I would have been able to take this next step in becoming who I am if it was summer, with the longer, more energetic days.

Separating myself from people who don't treat me well brings about a lot of grief. Grief over loss of an idea that might never have existed to begin with. The trees are without their embellishments, living a bare and raw existence for the next few months. Following their lead, I'm shedding the frills and the inauthentic habits and factors of my life that were only there to try and make my life something it wasn't. Something it didn't have to be.

I want renewal.