I have been dealing with a bout of jealousy lately. It's become so maddening that I've had to make efforts to delete blogs from my reader that did nothing but make me feel inadequate. Why read content that makes me feel so bad about myself? My favorite blogs are the ones where the writer's are intentional with their content. They post when they have something really important and inspired to say, not just to keep the feed fed with their name. They share real life with me. Bits and pieces of the truth of their existence, stories that make me feel not so alone in the world, thoughts that bring us all closer together in community.
I have a few relationships in my life that have been, in a sense, deleted from my daily feed of interaction, as well. They make me feel jealous, they make me feel inadequate, they make me feel alone. Whether it is intentional or not, we just are not jiving. As someone who craves community and friendship intensely, I can't emotionally afford to subject myself to the continuous thoughts of why they won't call me back, why they aren't reliable, why they pretend like we're best friends when we're not. It's enough to drive a person insane.
Separating myself from people who don't treat me well brings about a lot of grief. Grief over loss of an idea that might never have existed to begin with. The trees are without their embellishments, living a bare and raw existence for the next few months. Following their lead, I'm shedding the frills and the inauthentic habits and factors of my life that were only there to try and make my life something it wasn't. Something it didn't have to be.
I want renewal.